Best of the best

Let me start with: this post has a very, very happy ending. A very tangible happy ending that fits on my left ring finger and that I can look down on during my day. An ending that is a beginning and a middle, and a thank you to the universe who is all about "life lessons" and "patience" and everything else I'm not really good at. (I'm also not really good at rephrasing "not really good at" so it doesn't end with a preposition.) But enough about grammar! I got engaged! To Grant! And it is worthy of a thousand exclamation points!!!!!! times infinity!!!!

Maybe you didn't notice, but I've had a rough go of it lately. I think that's part of my personality, when I get down or depressed, I draw into myself and spend more alone time when having people around who love me and make me laugh would help much more. And I do this crazy thing where I get through the actual hard part okay (see last year; moving across the country; major health issues; unemployment) and when I get to stable ground, I royally FREAK OUT (see the past few months; crying). I have a place to live in a city I love, I have a job, and I have the most wonderful, patient, and understanding man (that's still weird to say even though he's thirty-two) who loves me. But I still doubt it all, because that's what I do. I doubt if I'm good enough or deserve it or wonder what I will do to mess it up.

That brings us to Wednesday, March 3. It's a typical day in my life, I'm at work, and I'm crying (there have been many tears lately). I don't know exactly why I am crying, but I feel like a fraud, and I feel like I'm not learning fast enough, and I feel like a disappointment. If you were Grant on that day, you would have heard all of this several times on the phone, when I called him at his work, desperate. I hate feeling this way, and it's horrible, because it feeds on itself and gets worse and worse, and it's so hard to just stop. To try to bring reality back into the picture and not focus on my feelings. Grant helps me focus, and on that day, he got me to stop crying. He told me that maybe I shouldn't bring work home, because part of me being so overwhelmed might have something to do with working 24/7. He asked me if I wanted to go to dinner (we don't eat out much to save money), and he offered to pick me up from work. He reassured me and listened to me and it still didn't work. I walked back into the office and tried to get through the day and cried at/on Alaina. Then Grant called and he was there to pick me up.

I walked downstairs and across the street and made it into the car where I started sobbing uncontrollably. I told him that I just didn't know why I was so upset or how to start feeling better. He suggested that just having dinner and getting away from everything might be good. And he put on Jack Johnson so we would have something nice to listen to driving to Dupont Circle. We went to Taj Majal, where I had a Groupon (the new frugal me LOVES these). It was at this point that I had thought he might propose but two or three things talked me out of it: 1) it was a work night, 2) we were using a Groupon for our dinner, and 3) did I mention the crying? and the puffy face? and the incessant crying?

Grant doesn't usually go for Indian, so I was excited about that. And when we got to the restaurant, it gave me some time to just breathe. One of my favorite parts of Eat, Pray, Love is at the beginning, when she can't stop crying on the bathroom floor, and suddenly she divinely realizes that she does not have to make any important life decisions right. then. When I can remember that the same sentiment applies to me, I'm a much calmer person. When I'm with Grant, he helps me remember that I'm doing the best I can. That I can just get through the day and sometimes that's enough.

We order a delicious dinner, that, thanks to Groupon, is half off. The annoying and loud girls at the next table leave shortly after we get there. Grant is wearing an argyle sweater, and I'm wearing argyle rain boots (partly because I forgot to bring real shoes). I've stopped crying. He suggests we walk to Kramerbooks. Even though it's past my bedtime, I agree.

At this point, I know. Argyle + Indian food + books? Has to equal proposal.

We walk arm-in-arm through the circle to Kramers. When we walk in, I go immediately to my favorite table at the entrance (where I have never, ever picked up a bad book; in fact, it's where Dave Eggers first found me eight or so years ago). He tells me that he has to go to the back part of the store, where the restaurant is, to get some Kleenex.

I look down at the books, and I think how perfect this is, that he's going to (finally!) ask me to marry him and make it official and I can tell everyone and holy crap he is walking back from the restaurant WITH Kleenex because he actually needed Kleenex not because he was going to ask you to marry him Courtney get it together you cannot keep doing this to yourself.

And then I thought, "but Kramers would have been perfect."

I go to the fiction wall to look at a Margaret Atwood book, Oryx and Crake, that was apparently the prequel to the book I just read, the Year of the Flood, and I'm frustrated because I want to read it, but I've already read what comes after, and Grant comes over and is looking at books next to me. I'm looking at Atwood, and he starts looking at... Austen? Grant pulls out a Jane Austen book and gets the giggles.

And that's when I really know.

He turns to me and asks me if I'll marry him. And then he says he doesn't know what to say.

I ask him what he wants to say.

He tells me that he loves me, that he'll work harder at our marriage than anything he's ever worked at before, and that we'll have babies.

I'm crying. Again. But in a good way! I say yes, and he starts crying, too.

Then he asks if he has to get down on one knee, and I say yes again, and he gets down on one knee and puts the most beautiful and most perfect ring on my finger, and he almost knocks over a bookshelf standing up. We kiss and hug and get a stranger to take our picture.


He tells me that he wanted the proposal to be a surprise, which is why he did it on a Wednesday and on a Groupon. He tells me that he wore argyle because he thought I wouldn't say no to it. He tells me that he's been on the phone with his family all day telling them what he was going to do, and that he thought of Kramers, and how much I love it, and how I brought him here when we first visited the city, and how much he is liking reading now especially when we read next to each other before bed. He tells me he loves me, and I feel it.

We go back to Afterwords, the restaurant, to get coffee and dessert and to call our friends and family and announce our plans for our life together.

One of the best parts? He'd had the ring for several days and decided he wanted to ask me that Wednesday. He said he didn't get much work done, that he was so excited, and that even after the phone calls and the tears and the not knowing what to do, he still wanted a life with me.

It was a horrible day and a wonderful night and that's life and it is perfect.

It is what it is.

It is what it is!!!!

Best of Seth, Volume Three

When Seth came to visit me in DC, he came to the office one day so I could give him a tour of the Capitol.

And he took of his shoes to go through security in my building, which I would have paid to see.

Best of Messages (and Responses)

Grant starts to chat with me a bit this evening, while I am still working, and tells me that he “got my message” and cleaned the bath. The message: one morning, I was taking my bath and noticed how grimy it was getting (gross, I know), so I used my fingernail to scratch the words “CLEAN ME” to remind me to clean it. Only I’ve been taking baths just in the morning when I don’t have time to clean it, so THAT’S WHY I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

Best of 2009

Man, this year just kicked my ego in the pants. (See all the posts about wanting a job but not being able to find one.) It was hard, and then it was worth it, and then it was hard again, and then it was worth it, and so on. I came out on top in the end, but listen up twenty-ten - I'd really like a year of coasting and enjoying rather than growing and fretting. Ahem.

What I did in 2009:
January - Attended (kind of) the inauguration of a new President (!!!!!!), packed up and moved an office, and started driving to Louisiana every other weekend.
February - Packed up my house and put it in a pod, took many trips to LA, and gave up drinking. Permanently.
March - Moved to DC (FINALLY!), and turned 28. Twenty-freaking-eight, people.
April - Grant arrived in DC!!!
May - Baked, read, and looked for a job.
June - Baked, read, and looked for a job. Got depressed about not finding a job.
July - Baked, read, and looked for a job. Gave up on finding a job. Found a job!
August - Tried to find footing in my new job, thankfully during recess, and watched two of my best friends tie the knot.
September - Grant turned 32.
October - Lost someone dear to me and worried about the health of my relatives.
November - Wrote a first draft of my novel, officially dated Grant for over 2 years, and celebrated Thanksgiving for the first time in DC (another first: cooked the entire meal myself).
December - Went back to Oklahoma, and celebrated Christmas for the first time in DC.

My resolutions for 2010 - edit my novel, exercise more (with my new Nike+ system), keep in touch with my friends, tackle more recipes that intimidate me, and make an important relationship official (hoping you can read between the lines on that one). Is it cliche to resolve to update my blog more regularly? Eh, I'll try to just post when I have important news to tell you. Or when I can make it funny. You know, the usual, but a tad more frequently.

Much, much, much love in the last few minutes of the aughties, and even more for the upcoming teens*!

(*Is that what we're calling it yet?)

Best of Writing

At the end of last month, probably around the time I started blogging again, Brigette asked me if I wanted to participate in NaNoWriMo, which stands for National Novel Writing Month, with her. I foolishly agreed. I thought, "How hard can this be?" She told me I would need to write 1,600 words every day for the entire month of November, and I had wanted to participate in earlier years, but the month was always November, and November always meant an election. But not this year! Which is why I said yes.

After I sat on my bed to write on the second day, I wanted to give up. I told Grant I was going to quit, but I needed to figure out something to tell Brigette about why I couldn't do it. He talked me back into it, even after I told him how horrible the plot was (because it was non-existent) and how much I hated my characters because they were lacking in dimensions. He was right. If I wanted to write, I had to write.

That's what I've done this whole month. I sit on my bed, with my laptop on my lap, resting on Grant's pillow so I don't get too hot. Henry sits right beside me, ready to assist or nap, whichever is needed. I put in my headphones and play my writing music. (Thanks to the Avett Brothers, Radiohead, Patty Griffin, HEM, the Once soundtrack, my Christmas playlist, and, coming on stage for the first time tonight to see me hit 50K, the always loved Wilco. California Stars, indeed.)

There are parts of my book I still hate. I played around with perspective and voice at the beginning, and I haven't gone back to fix anything. I followed the suggested NaNoWriMo rules. Don't get more than a few days behind. Keep your inner editor and inner perfectionist locked up all month. No editing until December. Write, write, write, write, write x 10,000.

And I finished. I won. I have a first draft of a novel that's not quite complete, but it's more than I really thought I could do. I will finish the book, and I will edit it, and you might get to read it. Published, or not, I'm a novelist. I'm an author.

Best of Updates

Recently, a blogger I like to read, Katie, asked me if I would do a guest post while she traveled to New York City. I agreed, and she suggested I write about a trip (been there) or about my move to DC. She's in NYC now (Hi Katie, hope you're having a wonderful time!), and my post will go live tomorrow.

I wrote about just how not smoothly my move has been, but how just flat out good for me it is that I live here now. I read the entry to Grant last night out loud before we went to bed, and he encouraged me to start writing again. A good idea, right? Plus, I figured I needed a new entry here, and I hadn't realized how long it had been since I'd written. JULY EIGHTH?? And writing about my too-long job search?

Here's an update (and not in any particular order):
1) I have a job, and I love it! Ultimately, I'm glad I didn't get the other jobs for which I interviewed, but I sure wish I could go back and tell the girl who wrote that entry to hang on for just two more weeks.
2) I have been reading (as much as I can), and I just finished Dracula. One day before my deadline, I finished Infinite Jest. That book, the characters, and the author will stay with me for a long time. I'm a better person having read it, but I wish it had found me just one year earlier. David Foster Wallace wrote so aptly (and unfortunately) about depression and addiction. Biggest lesson I took from the book was from Don Gately: no single moment of life is unendurable. Holding on to that as tight as I can for the next time I need it.
3) I workout when I can and don't beat myself up for when I can't.
4) I'm very very very happily happily happily in love.
5) I'm glad I moved here, but I miss my loved ones in Oklahoma. I wish I were there this week to grieve with them over the loss of a good man.

Best of Goals

I'm sure you're tired of hearing about this, because I'm tired of writing about it (and tired of LIVING IT), but Court is still jobless. That means GOAL NUMBER ONE IS...

Find a way to make a living. I'm trying to concentrate on doing whatever I can that is within my control - namely, meeting with anyone who will talk to me here and applying for everything I am remotely qualified (or overqualified). And then trying to not freak out about what's NOT in my control - like someone actually hiring me.

GOAL NUMBER TWO: READ. This one is lots easier, except I can't really afford to buy new books. But. That's okay! I'm participating in Infinite Summer by reading David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest by the end of summer. That is taking a chunk of my time, but I am ahead of schedule. Also, I'm rereading all the Harry Potter books before the release of the sixth movie on July 15. Considering I started last week, and I'm on number 5, we're all good to complete this goal. This has the added bonus of me framing everything going on around me in wizard terms. (Like sometimes when I think about unemployment too much, I know the dementors are around. If only I had a patronus!) Lastly, thank goodness I have a Kindle. I can save up to $20 on new books coming out that I absolutely have to read RIGHT NOW.

GOAL NUMBER THREE: Workout. I KNOW I will feel better if I get some exercise, but I'm still tempted to not. Because I don't want to. I was hoping this would change, but it only changes after continuously exercising and REALLY KNOWING that it makes me happier and healthier, and I can spare 30 minutes or an hour out of my busy (see above) day. I'm on day 7 (in-a-row) of the 30-day shred, and I am actually seeing changes in my body. Added bonus: I can do a REAL push-up. Not that many of them, but still. This is progress. KEEP ME ACCOUNTABLE! That means you should ask me in 23 days if I kept up my end of the bargain. (Great deal for you, right, because you don't have to exercise - just make sure I do!)